It's three years today since Bella was born.  Judah is nine months.  We made it, team.  Some days (today) I don't know how.  It's not the day-to-day, it's the sleep.

At first, you're so hopped up on hormones and excitement that you can ride on them for a good week.  Then, by two weeks, you start to think, "Wow.  This no sleep thing is no joke."  Dragging, grey, tired.  And then it just becomes your reality.  You're just tired all of the time.  That's parenting.  People say, it will get better at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, when they start eating solids, once the molars come in.  I think for some kids it does, but I know for a lot of kids it doesn't. 

That's one of the secret lies of parenting.  In yoga we say, the biggest lie in Bikram Yoga is "Balancing stick is ten seconds."  In parenting, the biggest lie another parent will tell you is "My kid sleeps through the night."  Means something different to everyone and it doesn't last for anyone.  One of my good friends did cry-it-out at 4 months.  Said her son STTN.  "It works, Sara. You have to do it."  And at 6 months he was getting up twice a night and at nine months once and at 12 months 4x and at 18 months he was sleeping in her bed.  We're all just trying our best.  Doing what we can.  And we all have different kids.  And they all respond in different ways.

I'm not going to lie.  My kids don't sleep.  Bella was up every 1-2 hours for a good 18 months, didn't STTN until after Judah was born.  Judah slept last week from 10:30 pm to 4:30 am and so did I.  It was the first time I'd slept 6 hours in over 3 years.  I felt so good that morning.  The next night, he woke up every 30-60 minutes.  I felt so terrible that morning.  Up and down.  Up and down.  And if you have some advice for me, please keep it to yourself.  I've heard it all from people I know and from people I don't.  And I've tried it all.  If you want to commiserate, give me a call.

So, I'm humming along with life in my reality of tired all of the time, coping pretty well, keeping most of the balls in the air and all of a sudden, there comes a moment when I think, "How am I not a danger to society?  How am I operating a motorized vehicle? Running a business? Cooking dinner without losing a finger or burning someone?"  I'm SO tired.  Drained. Exhausted. Brainless. I think its the brainless that's the scariest.

And then the next day, I'm all right.  Take class.  Change my outlook on life.  Feel better.  Keep moving.  That's what my sister and I always say to each other: The only way to keep going is to keep going.

And you know, someday these sweet, little muffins won't even live in my house, let alone wake me up every 2 hours and I will be very sad.